This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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