Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
