He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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