Say something about gay babies.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
