I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
