well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
