He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
