Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
