I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
