i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
