im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
