Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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