the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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