Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
