just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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