I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
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