You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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