im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
