I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
