Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
