I faked an abortion last night.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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