You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
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