question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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