I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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