hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
they're like a gay fantastic four
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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