It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
A+ Viking dick
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
