I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
