Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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