Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
