and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I cut my penus on the lid.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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