Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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