Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize