I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
