P.S. I can't hear my feet
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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