I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
