If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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