I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
How external is "for external use only"?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
