I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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