I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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