Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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