just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
