then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
