i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
