My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
