Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
