How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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