he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
ok first of all what the fuck
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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