my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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