The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
