went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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