I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
