she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
