tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
They are going to name an STD after you.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize