I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
