fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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