tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
