It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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