literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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